I returned to Trinity after winter break only two weeks and two days ago. However, in that short and seemingly insignificant space of time, God's worked in me more than I've let Him in a very long time. This process has really stretched over all of last semester, but now it's become more tangible and joyful as I learn to express it. He's led me to finally start facing myself for who I am and who He's made me to be, which I tend to be very reluctant to do. I've let Him show me how beautiful His creation is in everyone and everything else all my life, but I haven't let Him show me the beauty in myself as His Creation in years, if ever. Not only that, but I slipped into the sin I had once mourned as twisted and wrong: worshipping the creation and not the Creator.
God is slowly awakening me to His very presence and reality, and to the things He's doing in my own life and in the lives of the people all around me. It's barely the beginning of a lifelong process, and He's tried to wake me countless times in my life. He's worked in so many different ways to get me to open my eyes and see Him there, but I constantly shut Him out and focused on my own agenda, my own perspective, my own sources of love that I liked better. I had been so blind to it all, thinking I could see all the beauty there was to see. I'm rather beauty-oriented to begin with, you see...I tend to greatly enjoy looking for and bringing out the beautiful aspects of things and people around me. I was quite proud of that, thoroughly convinced that it was the reason people would love me. I never gave God the credit for giving me that ability and perspective, and I never considered that HE loved that about me. I forgot that He Himself was beautiful.
As it dawned on me that I would be working through this growth process for a very, very long time, I realized that I wanted to record it somehow. God has taught me so many things in the past that I've simply forgotten about or attributed to something or someone else. I need a way to give Him credit for what He does in my life as He does it. The idea of keeping a blog came suddenly, and at first it didn't appeal to me much. I dislike conforming or copying, or feeling like I'm jumping on a bandwagon, especially if I don't have a strong purpose for doing so. But I know myself in that I won't grow nearly as much if I don't have something keeping me accountable to giving God daily credit for the work He does in my life and in my heart.
This blog won't be extremely structured or thematic. It will most likely consist of haphazard vulnerability and random little revelations that come to me as I read or listen to something (I'll be reading My Utmost for His Highest all year, and crazy love and Captivating until I'm through). I'll reflect on lyrics or poems that strike me as particularly moving or meaningful, as well as some assignments that also coincide with the process. Yes, assignments. My life has the theme of "self-discovery as God's creation" in pretty much every single aspect of my life - which therefore includes my classes. God is and has been working intricately and actively...and I'm finally starting to see it for how beautiful it really is. I'm learning to love how He brings us beauty after hardships that makes us forget the mess that came before it. That's why I've chosen to call this "The Beauty and the Mess". The phrase dropped into my head as I was debating on a name, and I fought it for a few minutes. "That's random," I thought. "I haven't heard that song in forever." The only response I sensed was that that proved that it wasn't just a random name - it's what life is. The more I thought about it, the more it seemed to define and title what it was that I wanted to do.
As I was thinking yesterday about how God is gently shaking me awake to see this beauty He's created, I couldn't help but think of the morning. I have morning classes this semester, which I anticipated as somewhat of a hardship, especially in January. But one thing I had forgotten about and find myself enjoying is the distinctively still and quiet, profound beauty that morning holds. The world is slowly revealed as the day begins with soft and brilliant colors; the darkness of night is eliminated and forgotten as the sun slowly shines into every corner. We can see again. Even though every day has a dawn, I rarely wake up to see it. I've missed countless brilliant displays of God's creation over the course of my life because I've simply stayed in bed, where it's comfortable. I've seen a lot of sunsets. I really like the moon and stars. Other beautiful things I've come across on my own terms have been enough for me so far. The difference this time is that God is waking me up to see His dawn. He wants me to begin to witness what I've barely even given second thought to before.
But the full power and beauty of this particular dawn won't come until I'm awake enough to see it.
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